Most moms and dads can look at their teenagers and see the seeds of people who will live successful, independent lives, even if those same teenagers are still struggling to work help around the house, are chronically late to school, or seem unable get a job. Parents can look at their sons and daughters and know that once a few lessons are learned, their young adults will become fully competent, independent adults.
However, some parents look at their teenagers and see people who are struggling with great difficulties. Some defiant teens may struggle to communicate with parents, but they post a different side of themselves on social networking sites. These problems may appear in their lives with no apparent cause; they are not classified as emotionally disturbed or have an obvious need for medical assistance. They may have dropped out of school (or been removed from school). They may not have jobs. They might have no friends, or worse, deviant friendships. They may have legal troubles. They may have substance abuse problems. Parents look at these children and wonder, "Why?"
"Why" is Not as Important as "What"
As tempting as it is to sit on the couch and figure out the causes of behaviors, many times there are so many unknown factors contributing to the difficulties that "why" is an impossible question to answer. Perhaps it is better to look at the "what" questions:
- "What does my teenager need now?"
- "What resources are available to help my teenager?"
- "What is in the best interest of this family?"
Asking "what" questions will lead to helpful solutions, as will remembering the old British saying: keep calm and carry on. Maturity will come, but sometimes teens need help even into the adulthood. There are examples of troubled teens who became successful; Russell Brand's autobiography My Booky Wooky can frighten and comfort any parent of a troubled teen boy.
Resources to Help Parents of Difficult Teenagers
Most of the starting points for getting help are free, and often low-cost helps is available. To get direction for help, figure out exactly what problem needs the most attention, and call:
- school guidance office (most schools will continue to help the families of expelled children)
- local Department of Heath ( the phone book have blue pages or government pages)
- local Department of Human Services
- private insurance for mental therapy services
- pediatrician (for younger teens) or family physicians (for older teens)
- church resources
- parenting coaches
- the department of juvenile corrections (or the local police office).
Parents should explain that they are looking for resources to help with a specific problem, and even though none of those offices are a stopping point, they are starting points.
Parents Also Need Help
Just as wayward and at-risk teenagers can benefit from mental health evaluations, parents of such teenagers may also find counseling helpful. Parents who feel they are failures may find that they are less responsive parents to their other children, because they are consumed by the pain, anger, and sadness that comes with raising a child who is becoming increasingly difficult. Sometimes kids need help focusing personal beliefs to understand what is important; sometimes kids need deep psychological help. The range of need is so varied that parents also need support.
Mothers and fathers may worry that they are not able to successfully parent their other children. If children are traveling a difficult road, parents will travel a similarly difficult road, and should be open to seeking therapy, perhaps even a recovery plan, to get help. Little acts such as lighting a candle online and thinking positive thoughts can take the edge off pain, and sometimes more help is needed to find comfort.
At some point, all parents must forgive their children for mistakes, some that are truly horrendous. The difficulty becomes forgiving children not only for what they have done, but forgiving them for what they are doing, and forgiving them for what they will do. It is important for parents to focus on the problems in front of them and what problems most need help, to use available resources, and to get personal help to cope through difficult roads ahead.
Alex Sharp - Alex Sharp is a teacher who has been keeping Suite101 readers up to date with the latest in audio- and e-book gadgetry since 2008.
